Nine things that happened this year instead of my first kiss

What’s a girl gotta do to get one (1) smooch?

words by anita kiss
visuals by Catherine Abes and dhriti gupta

Nine things that happened this year instead of my first kiss

What’s a girl gotta do to get one (1) smooch?

It’s only been two months but 2021 is already off to a wild start, so I thought maybe this is the year I would finally have my first kiss! However, no such luck so far. Instead, here are nine of the wildest things that have happened to me in 2021—sadly, none of which involved someone pressing their lips on my lips.

  1. I accidentally ripped a hole in the space-time continuum by simultaneously watching Mamma Mia! on my laptop, playing Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again on my TV and streaming ABBA on my phone. After briefly blacking out, I woke up to find that my family’s faces were all inverted and my sister had become a chicken nugget.

  2. A spam bot started following me on Goodreads. It messaged me asking whether I wanted to meet hot singles in my area. Of course, I said yes. Two weeks later, I received a mysterious sizzling package on my doorstep that was so hot it had melted the small mound of snow that it was nestled in. Inside was a collection of steaming Kraft Singles cheese slices.

  3. I ate 35 per cent of my own body mass in pasta, which meets the Canadian Food Inspection Agency’s minimum threshold for a lasagna. I was then legally declared a lasagna. For two days, I was the subject of a bidding war between Walmart and Loblaws, both of whom were looking to add a reasonably priced lasagna to their product line.

  4. I watered my dying succulent with an expired can of Sprite Zero. It immediately exploded into a magical fountain of sticky soda, ever-flowing from the succulent pot. I hypothesize that the fountain’s neon green colour is derived from chlorophyll and general toxicity. Anyone who touches the fountain is either granted eternal life or immediately disintegrates, at the fountain’s discretion.

  5. I stumbled upon my mother’s birth certificate and discovered that she was born in the underwater lost city of Atlantis. When I confronted her about this, she backflipped off the porch and turned into a mermaid. She now spends most of her time in the giant fish tank that’s typically used to store Maine lobsters in Costco. This has put a slight strain on our relationship, but I still visit her once a week because she’s right next to the free coconut shrimp samples.

  6. My dog ate a magic mushroom during a walk and became a vocal being. He told me where my grandfather hid the family jewels—in a shoebox under the floorboards of his bedroom. When I checked, I found no riches; the only item in the shoebox was a Chicken Little Happy Meal toy from 2005.

  7. I’ve had ten consecutive stress dreams in which the Duolingo owl feeds me salad while I study. I believe this is a manifestation of my three New Year’s resolutions. The dream always ends Freddy Krueger style, with the Duolingo owl chasing me around my room with a cherry tomato skewered on a fork. I wake up with wilted romaine lettuce leaves in my sheets and bird pecks on my hand.

  8. I realized that all my life, I’ve compared myself to standards based on the behaviours of my peers; whether it be in the educational realm or progress in romantic relationships. I finally understood that to free myself from the shackles of perpetual unfulfillment, I must truly accept myself for who I am.

  9. I became the Joker.

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